I wish they made helmets for livers.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
