The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
