Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
