Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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