Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
