onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
