I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
