I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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