We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
