He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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