oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
