Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize