Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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