Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
