So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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