I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
