WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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