Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
