cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
