I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
