I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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