I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
