I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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