you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
