I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
