I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
God I need to hump something, right now.
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