Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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