I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
