what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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