just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
