Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
