I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm always down for nudity.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
