It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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