Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
