So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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