you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
