OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
