Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
