barbara walters just said penis...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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