life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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