My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize