I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
