ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
