WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize