He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
