There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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