I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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