Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
