I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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