He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
