Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
