I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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