OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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