You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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