How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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