hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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