My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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