I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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