Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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