rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
