you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
