my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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