Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
