Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
