don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
