how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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